me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
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The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
my proudest tweet
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.