My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
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Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.