I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
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I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows