I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
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All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
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Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Netflix and you sit over there.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man