@mellimelle

Match dot com, but for socks.

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@Mirimade

If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.

@Sohail__300

Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem

@Reverend_Scott

Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.

@GabbbarSingh

Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety

@chuuew

As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.

@clichedout

[getting murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

@Dani_Feld

Me: Table for one, please.

Waiter: Would you like to see the men–

Me: YES.

@KLBChicken

Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.