Match dot com, but for socks.

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If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.


Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem


Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.


Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety


As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.


[getting murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]


Me: Table for one, please.

Waiter: Would you like to see the men–

Me: YES.


Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.