@mellimelle
@sixthformpoet Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
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@sixthformpoet 
@robdelaney Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
@emily_tweets Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
@tkhan74 I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
@CornOnTheGoblin [commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
@AlexvanBeek “No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
@TheCiscoKidder When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
@JasonLastname Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
@tealbluejay My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
@BuckyIsotope Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.