@mellimelle

Match dot com, but for socks.

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@sixthformpoet

Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!

@robdelaney

Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)

@emily_tweets

Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.

Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.

@tkhan74

I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[commercial for toilets]

°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°

There’s got to be a better way

@AlexvanBeek

“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”

*Door slams

– Jehova’s Witnesses

@TheCiscoKidder

When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.

@tealbluejay

My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.

@BuckyIsotope

Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.