When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
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If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
2023 was just a warmup
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.