I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
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There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
you stereotypes are all alike
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Cake safety first. Always.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though