Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.