The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
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[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick