Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
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Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Lmfaoooooo
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Peter Parker Peter Driver
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.