My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
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Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.