My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
You Might Also Like
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
My wedding will be open casket.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Why are bridges so flammable.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo