If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
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Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Ron is short for Aaronald
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.