Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
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Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me