I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
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So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”