Raisins are grape jerky.
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the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Breaking news:
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Stick it to the man
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters