As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
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[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices