As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
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Me redecorating every room in my mind
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
@funTweeters
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Venn
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.