*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
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[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
I am all good here, 😂😉
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
❤️❤️❤️