Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
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Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*