When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
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The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot