reverse psychology? that’ll never work
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You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day