me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
You Might Also Like
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.