Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
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wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?