Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
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Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.