Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
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I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…