[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
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If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.