me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
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BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her