Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
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Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
drew a comic about my origin story
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it