The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
You Might Also Like
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
President The Rock Obama
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat