me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
You Might Also Like
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out