My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
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Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
dream blunt rotation
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?