Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
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The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.