My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
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wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.