Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
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Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up