I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
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First rule of flight club…no penguins.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
this is uni
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
#ProTip
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.