Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink

“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*

“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*

“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*

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“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”

-my cat


Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda


me: a carrot is a crop

friend: yes

me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top

former friend: i suppose


85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon


i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved


[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment


[preparing dinner]

Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking

Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly


I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.


Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again


After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.