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Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO