Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
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“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool