Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
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(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.