Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
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*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂