Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
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I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.