Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
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COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Anime is real
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable