Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
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[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
this makes me so uncomfortable
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno