[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
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Become ungovernable.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”