Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
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Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Me sliding into hell like
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable