mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
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Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
don’t be scared
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Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Well, my evening plans are ruined
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[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
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[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
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*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
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