mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
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I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.