One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
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“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.