Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
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WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.