Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
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*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Happy thanksgiving!
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
plums roundup
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.