Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.

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Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..


WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree


What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?


[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work


Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them


[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”


When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.


Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?

Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.

Him: I land at 5 AM.

Me: I have no brother.


Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.


If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.