*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
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Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks