landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
#SCOTUS one-star review
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Cashiers are always checking me out
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.