@PleaseBeGneiss

landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent

me: can you tell my boss that

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@Raoul_Duke_71

*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??

@suedechukka

Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll

@howe007

If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.

@LibelousLurker

My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.

@frogshack

*finds baby on doorstep*

Me: Should…should we keep it?

Wife: …Let’s sleep on it

Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him

@Marcmywords2

If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.

@mikeodyllan

Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.

@steveolivas

12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.

His protest was legendary.

@envydatropic

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks