#SCOTUS one-star review
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Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.